Stadium Views


You may not have to have a car to have a defective muffler….Part three of the Great Scalping Caper by gpiv
March 21, 2010, 1:13 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Ninety bottles of beer in the wall.

Sorry about yesterday.  It’s the end of the St. Bernadette basketball tournament.  The last day is today.  Give a shout out to the group of guys in the Mens Club that make this thing a success, a huge success.  It’s all about the kids and if anybody out there has something they can donate to my next project, the ST. B. golf tournament, let me know.

I’m all about the mooch , if it helps somebody else out.  That goes for Adidas too Kris.

So the cops leave, and the phone starts ringing.  It’s the press.  Somehow, they knew about the big bust basically as it happens.   Boy I wonder how that happened.   I’m not a big conspiracy theorist, but Lee Harvey Oswald did not act alone.  I think somebody tipped the press off.  Oh our friends from the four letter organization.

Face the music.  As my clients sometimes put it, “I own my own shit.”  I decide to work the outside operations where I have to face the public as they approach the building.  Let the TV crews get a few good shots.  They do.  The local rag, the OWH, runs a group of stories on the incident.  I tell the co-conspirators that I don’t want anybody talking to the press or TV.

As with most things in life the people who knew me, thought the whole thing was a crock of crap.  And those that don’t know me thought whatever the news media put in their heads.  People would walk by the store and whisper, or of course make the smartass statement, “Got any tickets.”  Originality at that point may have gotten someone a free t-shirt.  But those who follow the news rather than create it tend not to be long on originality.  No free t-shirts were given out.

We got through the rest of the series, and the  laughs got bigger and bigger everyday.    The undercovers that rolled the place stopped in regularly to add a needle us  and we ended up having a good series.  Except for my neighbor with the pony tail, cane and camera, no one was up in arms about it.  He took a lot of pictures for some reason(he likes to document things that he thinks are problems in the area).  Someday when he dies and his kids are going through his pictures they are going to think they are related to me, as many pictures as he has of me and my place.

But I  still faced court, jail and worst of all, professional scorn.

Now despite being a trial lawyer of some note, facing it from the defendant side did create a bit of apprehension.  It was misguided apprehension.  I never laughed so hard in my life.  The cop who ran the sting, not fatty fatty boombalatty, but someone of higher rank, called myself and my lawyer aside.  He explained that they didn’t want anything from me, but they needed some kind of conviction, since they had tied up so many officers for so long and had come up with nothing.   And then he dropped the bomb.

How about pleading to defective muffler.

I never had a muffler at the store, and didn’t know how I would transport the store to Midas to repair the defective muffler.  However I found the idea of that plea bargain as fascinating and eminently doable.  Unfortunately, the city attorney handling the case must have had other marching orders.  She screamed , “OH no, I can’t go that low.”

We settled on Disturbing the Peace and return of all the money they had stolen.  The judge who took the plea insisted on giving me my rights, even though I told him he didn’t have to explain them to me, that  in fact knew them.  He replied, “You probably know them better than me.”  Fifty dollar fine Jerry, cause when you hot,  you hot.

Now my associates in my law office were not as kind.  They kicked me out!  Thirty days to find a new place.  Can you believe it.

And the local rag, they ran a story about the plea.  A last piece of embarrassment.  They didn’t retract the scalping story.

What did I learn.  Crime doesn’t pay, even if there isn’t a crime.

What did the scalpers learn.  They rented a golf cart to drive six blocks away to consummate their deals.

What did the public learn.  Probably nothing.

What did the police department learn.  Nine officers with four hours overtime each equals a lot of money.

What did the organization with the four letter name learn.  Probably nothing.  You can’t learn some people nothing.

To quote Billy Pilgrim from Slaughterhouse Five,  “And so it goes.”

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And that’s how next year’s theme song became “Ridin’ Dirty”…

Comment by Stacey




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