Stadium Views

The most important six square feet on 13th street by gpiv
April 7, 2010, 2:49 am
Filed under: Uncategorized

Seventy three bottles of beer in the fridge.

Not nearly as many hits yesterday as the day before.  But of course nothing is going to top the 5th of April.  The View does thank you all for your support.  It’s refreshing that people do care about the CWS at Rosenblatt.

Today I’m going to talk about the most important six square feet on 13th street for 12 days a year.  It’s not necessarily the most valuable, just the most important.

This six square feet has seen more desperate people in nineteen years than any other.  It does not overlook the ballpark, or the babes on 13th street.  People ask about this six square feet, they search it out, they plead for it and they thank me profusely for the right to view this square feet for a minute or two.  When they leave they are so relieved for the opportunity to have spent a small amount of time in the most important six square feet.

Yes folks, you guessed it, its my bathroom.

Beautiful women have fallen in love with me for my bathroom.  Rich men admire me for my bathroom.  Young children have idolized me for my bathroom.

For it is one of the only indoor bathrooms on 13th street available to the public.  They come from up and down the block, virtually for miles to worship at the throne that is my toilet.

They are warned.  The sign on above the toilet proudly announces that the bathroom is checked for cleanliness at least bi-monthly.  That means when the tournament starts there is a chance that I might not clean it for the entire series.  Yet they come, risking pestilence and filth for the right to pee inside.

They come in families.  They come in pairs. They come in singles. Like the wise men to Bethlehem, they come.  While they bring no frankincense and myrrh, they do sometimes leave gold, all over the floor.

And like the stable in Bethlehem, they sometimes leave a distinct odor.

You see, the building was built in 1898.  While the bathroom came sometime after that, there is no bathroom fan.  Whenever anyone occupies that six square feet for more than two minutes, you enter at your own risk.

Because I am a horder and constantly acquiring new material, the store is wanting for display space.  Several years ago I came upon the idea to display additional items in the bathroom.  Why read a newspaper when you can view collectibles of various values.

There has been good and bad in that expansion.  I have sold quite a few items out of the bathroom, although I’m not so sure that it is because of their attraction for that item or because of being grateful for the relief that has been provided to them.  I have stood in the bathroom, negotiating with prospective buyers, not willing to stand on the toilet and take things off the wall until we have arrived at an acceptable price for both of us.

But with the prosperity comes the normal problems.  In the last two years I have had three items stolen out of the bathroom.  In my normal scatological humor I came out of the bathroom saying I was “pissed” and that was a “shitty” thing to do.  No one “dumped” the items on the counter and paid for them.

We have had to close the bathroom on occasion and my store becomes exponentially less popular, just like when the ATM is out  of money.  Once it was plugged somewhere between the bathroom and the street when I had a gaggle of women living in the back apartment.  We were in the middle of the series and had to bring a plumber in with this huge truck.  Boy he screwed up the Parking Nazi’s parking.   We had cars parked in the middle of the street for hours.

The plumber, enamored with his technology, sent a snake with a camera down the drain.  In the middle of selling t-shirts I was summoned downstairs to view the inside of my pipes on television.  Now, you’re probably not going to believe this but I was not too interested to look at a line of about six hundred tampons in my pipes and to find out that the gaggle of women had caused my plumbing problems.  That and the fact that there were tree roots in my pipes.  I was not seeking revelation from the plumber, just a clean plumbing line.

$1500.00 later, my patrons again could find relief.

On other occasions there have been temporary clogs.  Hence the sign sometimes on the outside door announcing, “Oh shit, the toilet’s closed”.  That announcement is greeted by fear and trepidation by the people who enter the front door with their legs crossed and grimaces on their face who were seeking Mecca.

Last year was the topper.  Often, like they are known to do, more than one woman has squeezed into the six square feet.  Now as a healthy male I must confess that I have no explanation of the biological need of women to relieve themselves in a flock.  I  can ask a hundred women and the answer that I  get is as indecipherable to me as the string theory of  the universe or the theory of an event horizon.  So when the normal two or three enter that space it is easier to shake my head than to make any inquiry.

But last year, six people, three men and three women, entered the bathroom simultaneously.  Now, I thought that it must be some college prank, like how many people you could stuff in a Volkswagen or something.  But when they did not emerge from the bathroom for about five minutes I had had enough.  I knocked on the door and announced that I was coming in if they did not immediately come out.

Six people emerged, smiling and laughing,  luckily with all their clothes on and with no white powdery substance obvious around their noses.

And luckily they hadn’t stolen anything.

This year my six square feet will again make a lot of people happy.  And with the last flush on the evening of the last game another story will close on the legend of The View……..

and I’ll sure feel shitty.

4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

And yet, with the sign on the wrong door saying its to the left, AND with workers telling them, “in back, the door on the left”, people still go to the door on the right and get lost for 5 minutes in the back of the store looking for the bathroom. I remember numerous occasions when busy (usually it’s in between games at this point), having to chase someone back there so they know its the OTHER door in the back…

Comment by Justin

Thanks for the laugh today Piv. If you ever need a job the World-Herald might give you a desk next to Steve.

Comment by Jerry Noble

Thanks Jerry, I’m glad you enjoy it. Piv

Comment by gpiv

Don’t forget the sign that says “I won’t get a chance to pee on your floor, so don’t pee on mine”.

Comment by moose

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