Stadium Views

Is coozie a word, because it keeps coming up underlined on my spell check? by gpiv
April 9, 2010, 1:16 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Seventy one bottles of beer in the fridge.

Yesterday was my fantasy draft.  Tomorrow, my nephew Brandon’s wedding.  Both of us are starting new adventures with hopes of success.  Hopefully I drafted well and will win my league.  If not there is always next year.  I get a do over

Brandon seems to have drafted well.  No do overs will be necessary.

There is some question of the origin of the Stadium View coozie.  Well nineteen years ago I was contacted by Proctor and Gamble.  It seems Bounty paper towels wasn’t doing very well and the company needed a shot in the arm.  So I thought to myself, “Why not wrap a beer in a paper towel instead of these fancy styrofoam and foam things people are using.”  Forty thousand beers later the company is doing well and I haven’t bothered until now to take any of the credit.

No, that’s not really how it happened.

I’ve never really wanted to make any one feel obligated to buy anything as a result of my generosity.  This isn’t a contingent contract of any kind.  I give you a beer and you owe me nothing, except perhaps a thank you.  Buy a T-shirt cause you like the shirt, like the place, or like the clever saying on it, not simply because I gave you a beer.

People started declining beers because they weren’t going to stay that long or because they were leaving immediately.  The boldest of those would ask, “Can I take it out on the street.”  Well of course we have another antiquated law in this state (to go along with our scalping law) called an open container law.  We cannot drink alcohol on a public street because of the obvious public risk it creates(I hope it is obvious to you because it is not to me).  So faced with the prospect of having a bunch of people hang around the store who didn’t want to be there often getting in the way of the real customers, I put my seven years of post high school education to work to solve this dilemma.  What to do, what to do.

I could require a person to arrive with their own coozie in order to receive a beer.  This seemed somewhat discriminatory to me and penalized people who came from more advanced states that allow open containers.  Also, I was having trouble coming up with a clever, “NO coozie, no beer.”, sign.  It seemed to send the wrong message regarding the place.

I could require them to drink the beer entirely in the store, but put time limits on certain drinkers.  Drinkers and shoppers, unlimited time.  Drinkers and talkers, limited to how interesting your conversation is to me.  Drinkers and loiterers, chug that thing and get the hell out of here.  Drinkers and a hot chick, we go back to unlimited time.  This again seemed discriminatory and being versed in the law I decided against this.  Putting time limits on drinking on a sign was downright rude and a possible violation of some dram shop act.

I thought about a coozie rental system.  I could buy a fleet of coozies, say a hundred or hundred and fifty, and rent them to customers to walk up and down the street.  Kind of like those bicycle rental places in touristy areas.  The money was the problem.  How much could I charge to insure their return without it looking like I was selling them a beer and a coozie.  Another idea foiled.

I thought about giving away a coozie with each beer.  Again cost was a problem.  I’m already giving away over a hundred cases of beer a year, at a cost of $1200-15000 a year.  The coozies would more than double the cost of the giveaway.  I like you guys, but there is a limit.

Sitt ing in the store by myself, staring aimlessly into the garbage can full of empty beer cans and paper towels from cleaning the counters it came to me like the Pythagorean theorem.  What if we wed the two.  Paper towels to beer cans.  I sprang from my chair to grab a roll of paper towels and another beer(it of course wasn’t my first of the day) to test this possible solution to all of my problems.

After several painstaking minutes, I had developed a prototype.  Folding a paper towel lengthwise in half, and then rolliing it around the can seemed to work almost perfectly.  It disguised the can, kept condensation off of the user and was infinitely within my price range.

That same day I sent my first unwary customers out to test the streets with my new invention.  Would it’s deceptive qualities equal it’s practical ones?  Could we fool Omaha’s finest?

Nineteen years later, not a single arrest attributed to a Stadium View coozie, to my knowledge.  A crime spree occurring daily, undetected.  Yet not a single person injured.

Necessity is truly the mother of invention.

Look for your own Stadium view coozie in you local grocery store.  It will be in the paper products aisle.

Or maybe this year.  Real coozies.

They would keep hot things hot, cold things cold.

But how would they know the difference.

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