Stadium Views

“Management reserves the right to bend your hat if you look like a dork”: Not a slogan at The View, but words to live by! by gpiv
April 16, 2010, 4:38 pm
Filed under: Uncategorized

Sixty-four bottles of beer in the fridge.

Our Men’s Club golf tournament is one month away.  I need prizes.  If anybody can help let me know.  I’m all about t he mooch if it helps somebody else out.

Softball starts Sunday .  This will be my forty-eighth straight year of playing some type of organized ball.  The game still has an amazing hold on me.

I never thought I looked good in a baseball hat.  Some guys just have a head that is made for hats.  You know, a little oblong to stretch the hat properly.  Not too Cro Magnon man of a forehead so as to dwarf the bill.  And a nice pinned back set of ears that don’t stick out like car doors.

And the big crowns, they look a little like an actual kings crown on my head.  It seems like it sits atop my head rather than fits on my head.

Now hats are an important subject at The View.  We are the home of the sign in the window that says, “Management reserves the right to bend your hat if you look like a dork.” But that is not just rhetoric at The View.  Those are words to live by.

Most people would believe that the sign originated with the flat bill era we have been in since Khalil Greene popularized it in college baseball.  It actually predated that.  It’s first appearance was during the exaggerated roll days of the mid 90’s.  You know the hats that looked like a cone for a bill.  You couldn’t see anyone’s eyes and the dirtier the better.  In those days I used to have to take a occassional hat off of someone’s head to straighten the bill.

I retrospect those times might have been far superior to today.  The flat bill is t he worst trend in hats that I have ever witnessed.

Perhaps my prejudice to these hats come from my real profession, lawyering.  As a public defender I had a myriad of clients who entered my office, associated with gang activity, black white, hispanic and oriental, and the straight bill was the look.  Ok, I concede that if you want to wear a hat with Hurley or some other skater or clothing brand on it, wear it with the bill anyway you want it.  But do not wear a baseball hat with that kind of bill.

Players who enter my store looking like that challenge my patience.  My dad always told me one thing before I went to a game.  “If you want to be a baseball player, you have to look like a baseball player.”  These players do not look like baseball players.

I have had parents of players, both in the CWS and in the various tournaments that are in town at the time urge me to do what they have not  had the courage to do as parents, that is, parent their child and take his hat off of their head and give it a nice proper baseball bend.  This is not necessarily the intent of the sign.  I am here to police the unaware and challenged hat wearer.  I am not here to help weak parents exercise their responsibility toward society.

In that regard we get to the most offensive and pitiful offenders to the law of hathood.  Those are the people who are so out of touch with reality, and or have never owned a mirror in their life, and whose straight billedness has either never been seen by them or who are oblivious to their fashion faux paux.  Flogging is too good for them.  Most of these individuals would not benefit from a modification to their hat.  Only total destruction of the offending headpiece would bring peace and tranquility to my angered soul at this point.

And to the most offensive and pitiful headgear on the most offensive and pitiful individuals we have to award the prize to the $1.99 foam front, mesh back, flat billed, farm implement or farm product hat.  It stops my heart immediately. I have to pry my eyes off of this abomination to baseball hats in order to observe the pathetic human being therein.  That person usually fits a pattern in their other dress.

Working your way down from the hat you will almost assuredly see a t-shirt which is 10 to 15 years old or in the alternative a buttoned down collar shirt of some plaid design.  Directly below the third button on the shirt or blocking half of whatever the design is on the t-shirt you will find the waist band of his shorts.  Geographically we are talking immediately below his armpits.  The belt is not stylish, just functional.  The shorts end mid thigh and then you will see next the white crew sock either inhabiting sandals or black or brown tie shoes.

If that individual does take out his wallet, which is usually just to get change, it will undoubtedly be encircled by a rubber band, not to prevent entry but to hold it together.

These are the challenges I face on a daily basis during the College Worldl Series.  How do I save humanity from themselves.  Can I simultaneously act as a Baseball hat cop and a baseball hat educator.

There is only one way to deal with the dilemma.

I suspend the normal Stadium View greeting, nod to Moosey or whoever is around signalling that I need a beer, and I promptly devour the beer that would have been their’s if proper attire would have been worn.

Self medication may not be the permanent solution, but it serves as quite a band-aid.

1 Comment so far
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Watch out for the South Carolina baseball team. They are some of the dorkiest looking flat billed guys on the planet.

Comment by Jake

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